“Traditionally It’s The Mum Who’s Off The Longest On Maternity Leave, But For Us That Was Flipped On Its Head”

“I was definitely guilty of feeling sorry for myself now and then. But as time passed, I began to see the beauty in our unconventional and unique arrangement.”

As a new mother, my decision to return to work after just three months was met with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I was extremely anxious about juggling motherhood, work, and a social life (I’m still trying to figure this one out, to be fair). On the other hand, I was incredibly jealous of my husband, who would be taking over the parenting responsibilities and spending another two months of leave with our daughter. Traditionally it’s the mum who’s off the longest on maternity leave, but for us that was flipped on its head, and while I went back to work, it was my husband who stayed home.

In all fairness, we got extremely lucky. The year I fell pregnant, my husband’s company updated their policy on paternity/maternity leave, allowing at least one parent to be on leave for the first five months. Although my company also had generous parental leave opportunities, I made the decision to head back to work after 3 months. So when it came to it, he had the opportunity to enjoy another 2 months at home!

Read more: ‘I Couldn’t Breastfeed, But That Doesn’t Make Me Any Less of a Mum’

How I felt when Dad took over

In the beginning, the adjustment was tough. Transitioning back to work was harder than I thought. I couldn’t help but feel a tinge of resentment, not towards him but towards the situation. Let’s be honest, I had carried our daughter for nine months, my body had inflated and deflated like a balloon at a children’s party, and yet here I was, heading back to work while my husband enjoyed quality time with our baby.

I felt like I was missing out and was torn between trying to do well at a new job and being a new mum. I longed to be there for those little milestones, to witness her first attempts at rolling over or hear her cooing sounds. He knew her inside and out, all of her little quirks and exactly what to do to settle her when she was fussy, which left me in awe and a little jealous of their special connection.

Honestly it felt a little unfair, seeing them bond so effortlessly was heartwarming yet bittersweet, and I was definitely guilty of feeling sorry for myself now and then. But as time passed, I began to see the beauty in our unconventional and unique arrangement. I have so much admiration for my husband, who fully embraced his new role, taking on the early morning feeds, leaving me to enjoy those precious extra minutes of sleep. He even made a point to walk me to the bus stop with our daughter on the days I was in the office and in between meetings, he’d bring her to me for a quick baby cuddle (those things can cure just about anything!). 

Don’t get me wrong, if the roles were reversed, I would have taken it without a second thought. But watching her face light up when she sees him is priceless and it’s moments like these that remind me how lucky I am to have an incredible supportive and loving parenting partner and how fortunate we are to be in this situation. Of course, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, but we built a pretty good system to share the load as much as possible so we could both enjoy those special early months. 

How we overcame our trials

Before becoming a mum, I saw an Instagram post that I thought was wonderful. It was a list of things a lady wished she’d had talked about with her partner before the baby arrived. We tried and tested a few and here’s the ones that worked for us:

Make time for yourselves and together. It sounds so simple right? But how is it that some days I check the clock and it’s already 6pm, and nothing I thought I’d do today has been done? We set daily reminders in our phone to set aside time, I enjoyed a couple of solo coffees, many neighbourhood walks together (I could quite frankly draw you a map–that’s how well I know it) and that satisfactory feeling of checking it off at the end of the day felt like we’d accomplished something.

Make each other feel appreciated. If you don’t know each other’s love languages yet, now’s the time to ask. I received a few middle-of-the-night notes of encouragement, and trust me when I say, a little can go a long way when you’re tired.

Allow for solo parenting. As much as we enjoyed navigating the early days together, we also found value in sharing the load and leaving each other to it. I remember the early feeds taking an hour or so, so we split the time. I think I’ve watched a good 90% of Netflix, but also allowing each other time to enjoy being by ourselves or catch up on adulting, like running errands or simply relaxing. It really worked for us. 

Finding a balance in parenting roles

The days of parental leave are now a distant memory. Our daughter, nearly 8 months old, is now a regular in our “co-working space” (aka the home office), or should we say we’re now a regular in her playroom. She often makes an appearance during our Zoom calls, playing in the background or having a snack in the corner, more often than not, practising her vocals with the loudest scream she can muster. We are both so lucky to work for companies who understand what parenthood is like, accepting the good, the bad and ugly. For us now flexibility is key. We continue to share the parenting responsibility, alternating work-from-home days to care for her.

Our experience with reversed parenting roles reminded me that parenthood is unique for everyone, and I will forever be grateful to my husband who put his career on pause for 5 months to take care of our daughter. Everyone’s circumstances are so different, and constantly comparing yourself to others can be exhausting. In the end, what mattered most wasn’t who stayed home or who went to work, but the love and kindness we gave each other and our daughter. And mums let me warn you, dads left alone become rather creative, expect horrendous outfits and endless entertainment. It’s truly a wild ride.