‘It’s time to break the traditional cycle of parenting our children the same way we were parented.’ Mum of 3

“When a spouse does not agree with his partner and hits her, people call this abuse…But when a parent hits a child, people call this ‘discipline’ and ‘parental love’. We need to change the narrative on this.”

Mum of three, Wanyun, opens up about her journey of motherhood, how positive parenting has helped with toddler tantrums and why she’s so against spanking kids. If you’re battling toddler tantrums at home (which are a natural part of every child’s development) read on for her actionable tips on how you can begin using positive parenting plus hear Wanyun’s thoughts on how we can break the traditional cycle of parenting which may have involved corporal punishment “When a parent hits a child, people call this “discipline” and “parental love”, and for some reason, this is ok. We need to change the narrative on this. We’re a modern society with educated parents who have easy access to a lot of information on parenting; it’s time for us to recognise that corporal punishment of children is not the right way to go anymore”…

Tell us a little bit about yourself and your family.

I’m Wanyun, and I’m the founder of Popsicles & Play The Parenting Academy and the creator of our signature academy ‘The Positive Parenting Way’. I’m a certified positive parenting coach and a full-time working mom. I have three children: Travis is 9, Hayley is 5, and Ellie is 3.

What’s your parenting style?

My parenting style has been positive parenting ever since my first born was 2+ years old. I discovered positive parenting when a friend introduced me to it. I was tentative and sceptical at first. It sounded too good to be true. But being first time parents with nothing else to guide us, we decided to give it a shot. I started reading up on positive parenting, attended numerous positive parenting courses and workshops, and eventually got myself trained and certified as a Positive Parenting Coach.

I started Popsicles & Play because I truly believed in the benefits of Positive Parenting. It changed our entire parenting journey, how we view parenthood and how we feel as parents and largely improved our relationships and interactions with our children. This passion for positive parenting became a calling for me. I found myself wanting to help every parent and child out there discover these same turning points of parenthood and enjoy the same benefits of positive parenting like we did.

Most importantly, I truly believe it’s the best parenting method to raise happy confident and resilient children and to enable parents to build sustainable, strong and trusting relationships with their children that extend all the way to adulthood. And I wanted to use Popsicles & Play to coach, guide and empower parents.

What does positive parenting look like when a child is at the peak of a tantrum? Any actionable tips parents can take to deal with this? 

When a child is at the peak of a tantrum, a positive parent will be able to recognise that the child is experiencing very difficult emotions at that time, and they actually need help and guidance on how to manage these emotions. A positive parent will also recognise that as the parent, she needs to remain calm and rational instead of ‘throwing a tantrum’ back at the child by screaming or yelling or threatening the child.

At the peak of a tantrum, a positive parent will choose to do nothing, but rather stay close to the child calmly and quietly and letting the child know that she is there for her when she has calmed down slightly and is ready for her. Once the child has come down slightly from the peak of the tantrum, that is when the parent can step in to help her regulate her emotions, teach her how to calm down, and carry out positive discipline techniques (if needed).

Can you share about the first time you implemented positive parenting skills with your kids? How did you feel, and how did they respond?

It was when my firstborn was 3 years old and had his first meltdown. I just sat next to him quietly and told him ‘I’m here for you whenever you’re ready.” When his screaming mellowed down to just sobbing, he asked, “Can I have a hug, Mummy?”, and we hugged for a really long time. I then validated his emotions and taught him a few ways to calm himself down. Instead of screaming back at him and potentially escalating the whole situation, we managed to defuse it and strengthen our bond instead.

What are your thoughts on disciplining kids?

Parents tend to confuse discipline and punishment. Screaming, yelling, hitting, spanking, threatening, and going to ‘naughty’ corners – these are not discipline methods, these are punishments. Discipline is when you coach, teach and guide your children on right and wrong behaviours, how to differentiate between the two, and better alternative ways to manage the situation. This is discipline. And this is in line with positive parenting.

I feel very strongly against corporal punishment. When a spouse does not agree with what his spouse does and he hits her, people call this abuse and go into a rage over it. When a pet owner spanks his pet, people call this abuse and go into a rage over it. But when a parent hits the child, people call this “discipline” and “parental love”, and for some reason, this is ok. We need to change the narrative on this. We’re a modern society with educated parents who have easy access to a lot of information on parenting; it’s time for us to recognise that corporal punishment of children is not the right way to go anymore, and we need to break the traditional cycle of parenting our children the same way we were parented.

What has been your biggest challenge in positive parenting, and how do you overcome it? 

The biggest challenge has been ensuring that the other caregivers for my kids are also on the same page on positive parenting and that they carry out positive parenting with my children, too. I focused mostly on my spouse for this and got him to read up on positive parenting so that he understands the benefits and techniques behind it. We would also often discuss how we can do better and whether or not how we parented today was in line with positive parenting.

If parents are triggered by their children’s behaviour, what words of wisdom can you share to help parents cope and to not escalate the issue?

If you are triggered by your children’s behaviour, it is something you need to work on in terms of your emotional regulation. It is natural and part of normal development for children to throw tantrums, but it is our job as parents to ensure we do not ‘throw a tantrum’ back at them.

My advice is to first understand and identify what your key triggers are (it could be the child screaming, it could be siblings quarrelling, it could be mess, etc). And once you identify it, you will be more aware of it every time it happens. You should also develop methods to cope with your own emotions when these triggers happen and find ways to calm yourself down.

Looking back at your motherhood journey so far, what is something you wish you had done differently?

To have taken things slower (Singapore is so fast paced!) and to truly enjoy and cherish every moment with the family.

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood, and what motivates you to get out of bed each morning?

My greatest joy in motherhood is how much my spouse and I enjoy my children’s company and vice versa. We have implemented positive parenting with all of our children since they were young, and we truly see the benefits of it in them. The biggest moment I will never forget is when I witnessed my firstborn using positive parenting techniques on his younger sisters when they threw a tantrum – that was a truly proud moment for me.

Thank you for your story about how positive parenting has transformed your family and giving us actionable tips to implement at home. All the best in your endeavour to empower more parents to build stronger bonds with their kids!